Today my Grandfather died.
I miss my family more than ever. I have never felt so far away, being at uni has suddenly become difficult. I wish I could just be with my parents and be there to cry with and comfort my Daddy.
He was a great man, and shall be missed greatly.
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
Sunday, 13 September 2009
Slowly destroyed
I have never cried so much in my life than I have in the last two weeks.
I'm upset to go, but staying is destroying me.
Either way, I have a reputation to uphold, and it's proving more difficult than I thought. When the world thinks that you perceive yourself to be better than others, even if you don't there is no convincing them. I believe myself to be no more perfect than anyone else just because I have faith, humanity is flawed, myself doubly so.
I wish I didn't care, but I do.
I'm upset to go, but staying is destroying me.
Either way, I have a reputation to uphold, and it's proving more difficult than I thought. When the world thinks that you perceive yourself to be better than others, even if you don't there is no convincing them. I believe myself to be no more perfect than anyone else just because I have faith, humanity is flawed, myself doubly so.
I wish I didn't care, but I do.
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
The inspiration
I consider myself dramatic, in pretty much every aspect of my life. It's not something I always choose, you can only help who you are some of the time. Ambiguity is a good talent too, huh?
So, recently I'm all over the place. Happy, sad, happy, sad - I can't cut my emotions a break, my brain must be on a the edge of a mental breakdown with all the thoughts flying through it, constantly contradicting each other, bloody hell. So much is going on that I can't seem to pin down one feeling at a time.
But since I met a stranger, who moved me more than any of the people in my life ever have done, I kinda feel like I'm in limbo, and everything is just.. cool. I don't think this person will ever know quite how much their influence has stuck with me; they weren't even trying. In one moment I suddenly saw what I needed to do, the drive that was required, to do what I want to do with my life. The musical aspect, anyway. But it all runs into everything else. I'm gunna take up guitar, finally and try my very hardest to quit smoking because now it's something that I really want to do, instead of something I know I should do.
All the time now music is running through my head, all mashed up into one big musical amazement, which makes no sense whatsoever and I am flippin' loving it. Everything is inspirational, everything is something I can write a song about, I have an entire discography forming in my head.
This all sounds crazy and honestly, if you could get inside my head, that query would definitely be confirmed. But I'd like to thank, and always will, the man who inspired me by doing nothing at all, bearing part of his soul on stage to a group of.. mostly underage teeny-bopper fangirls, and me. Thank you to the man who merely said, "hello", and gave me a gift.
I remain, no fangirl, but definitely a fan.
Greg Holden, thank you. Listening to you in a dingy London venue changed me.
So, recently I'm all over the place. Happy, sad, happy, sad - I can't cut my emotions a break, my brain must be on a the edge of a mental breakdown with all the thoughts flying through it, constantly contradicting each other, bloody hell. So much is going on that I can't seem to pin down one feeling at a time.
But since I met a stranger, who moved me more than any of the people in my life ever have done, I kinda feel like I'm in limbo, and everything is just.. cool. I don't think this person will ever know quite how much their influence has stuck with me; they weren't even trying. In one moment I suddenly saw what I needed to do, the drive that was required, to do what I want to do with my life. The musical aspect, anyway. But it all runs into everything else. I'm gunna take up guitar, finally and try my very hardest to quit smoking because now it's something that I really want to do, instead of something I know I should do.
All the time now music is running through my head, all mashed up into one big musical amazement, which makes no sense whatsoever and I am flippin' loving it. Everything is inspirational, everything is something I can write a song about, I have an entire discography forming in my head.
This all sounds crazy and honestly, if you could get inside my head, that query would definitely be confirmed. But I'd like to thank, and always will, the man who inspired me by doing nothing at all, bearing part of his soul on stage to a group of.. mostly underage teeny-bopper fangirls, and me. Thank you to the man who merely said, "hello", and gave me a gift.
I remain, no fangirl, but definitely a fan.
Greg Holden, thank you. Listening to you in a dingy London venue changed me.
Monday, 31 August 2009
I have some very close friends who I've always prided honesty with, absolute honesty, nearly all the time. This sometimes results in hearing things that the other person may not want to hear but it's always been out of friendship and a caring nature. I'm now harbouring such negative feelings towards one of these "friends" and I can't even bring myself to confront them about how much of a rubbish person they're being, especially about me behind my back.
When did I suddenly become such hard work to be friends with that some one could actually complain about having to see me?
I can't tell you, not even via something you may or may not read can I tell you, because I don't want to tell you directly, I don't want to tell you in an email and be cryptic and I don't want you to get really pissed off at me when it's YOU who's upset me!
So, I'm stuck. I will carry on pretending things are fine, when they're not, because all of a sudden my eyes have been opened to how much of a crappy friend you really are. And it hurts so flippin' much.
When did I suddenly become such hard work to be friends with that some one could actually complain about having to see me?
I can't tell you, not even via something you may or may not read can I tell you, because I don't want to tell you directly, I don't want to tell you in an email and be cryptic and I don't want you to get really pissed off at me when it's YOU who's upset me!
So, I'm stuck. I will carry on pretending things are fine, when they're not, because all of a sudden my eyes have been opened to how much of a crappy friend you really are. And it hurts so flippin' much.
Wednesday, 19 August 2009
Phone business
A couple of months ago, my phone broke. It's purple and gorgeous and I'm attached to it and it broke. Some of the buttons just stopped working and after attempting the "turn it off and on again" trick, I then could not turn it on again because some of the numbers that were in my pin code were not working... Great!
So, I took my phone to 3 and they took it and fixed it and then gave it back to me a few days later, very quick, very good. THEN a week and a half later my phone breaks again, the same problem. I took my phone back to 3 - at this point slightly disgruntled - and asked if they could replace it. The response to this was that it was probably replaced when it was fixed because it was a more internal problem. I bloody doubt it. Right, so they took my phone again and "fixed" it AGAIN and everything was fine.
For about a month.
And then suddenly, a few weeks ago, my phone breaks AGAIN with the same problem. My word, at this point I wasn't just disgruntled, I wanted to hurt people! Especially the stupid flippin' girl at 3 when I went there and she says that they can't send my phone off for fixing unless I can provide proof that I purchased my phone from that store. I obviously don't have this because it's not something I carry with me all the time and because this is a new policy. My point was that she COULD HAVE just typed my name into her little stupid computer and found out that I bought my phone from here, but NO, apparently she wasn't allowed to do that because that makes perfect sense and therefore is far too easy.
This girl, who trust me, was definitely not taught the "the customer is always right" rule. I wasn't even getting angry at her and she was acting as though I was. Well, love, I could do considering you've taken my phone twice already and it's still not right.
She then TAKES my phone, after telling me she can't send it off to be fixed, and starting looking at it, struggles with taking the back off and then starts to take the battery out. THIS is a completely retarded thing to do because as she's doing this I'm telling her that it's the same problem, the buttons do not work and I can't turn it off because if I do I can't get back into it because I have a pin and THE BUTTONS DO NOT WORK!!!
She then takes my battery out and then puts it back in and then turns my phone back on, only to offer me my phone to type in my pin, to have me say that I've literally just explained that I couldn't do that. Being slightly more pissed off by her now, but not really showing it, I then mentioned how now I have no phone because I can't get into it (because she just turned it off, idiot girl).
She then looks at me and says something to the general idea that it wasn't her fault and that she didn't know I had a pin, did she? I should have told her. I then quickly thanked her (WHYYY??!!) and walked out briskly, fists clenched, holding back the want to scream as much as I possibly could.
I walked into Carphone Warehouse, and walked up to a, conveniently, attractive guy called Alex.
"Hey... Alex! I would like to start by apologising for any misplaced anger towards you, it's not you, it's ALL because of 3. I now hate them. Can you help me?"
He was smiling by the time I was half way through this speech,
"A lot of people feel that way about 3. So I will try."
I clearly love him by this point. LOVE him. I could marry him. Settle down and have children with him. Anyway, I tell him what's up, I ask for my phone to be fixed and he says they have the same policy BUT he does it anyway - see! He loves me too!! He sends my poor broken phone off and after a week and a half I haven't heard anything, I was confused. I try ringing them and I don't get through to anyone, and then I get an automated phonecall message thingy saying that due to the nature of the problem, it's going to take an extra 10-14 days. But that's okay, that's fine, as long as it's fixed, EVENTUALLY.
Today I got another automated phonecall telling that my phone is back and ready to pick up. FINALLY!
What have I learned?
Boys will do anything for you in a shop if you looked disappointedly cute enough.
The girl in the 3 store is a gobby cow, who doesn't listen, with an attitude problem.
And people in the 3 store are generally retarded if they don't think that the first thing anyone does when something doesn't work is to TURN IT OFF AND ON AGAIN!
I feel way better now.
Awesome.
Tomorrow? Hello Alex >_<
So, I took my phone to 3 and they took it and fixed it and then gave it back to me a few days later, very quick, very good. THEN a week and a half later my phone breaks again, the same problem. I took my phone back to 3 - at this point slightly disgruntled - and asked if they could replace it. The response to this was that it was probably replaced when it was fixed because it was a more internal problem. I bloody doubt it. Right, so they took my phone again and "fixed" it AGAIN and everything was fine.
For about a month.
And then suddenly, a few weeks ago, my phone breaks AGAIN with the same problem. My word, at this point I wasn't just disgruntled, I wanted to hurt people! Especially the stupid flippin' girl at 3 when I went there and she says that they can't send my phone off for fixing unless I can provide proof that I purchased my phone from that store. I obviously don't have this because it's not something I carry with me all the time and because this is a new policy. My point was that she COULD HAVE just typed my name into her little stupid computer and found out that I bought my phone from here, but NO, apparently she wasn't allowed to do that because that makes perfect sense and therefore is far too easy.
This girl, who trust me, was definitely not taught the "the customer is always right" rule. I wasn't even getting angry at her and she was acting as though I was. Well, love, I could do considering you've taken my phone twice already and it's still not right.
She then TAKES my phone, after telling me she can't send it off to be fixed, and starting looking at it, struggles with taking the back off and then starts to take the battery out. THIS is a completely retarded thing to do because as she's doing this I'm telling her that it's the same problem, the buttons do not work and I can't turn it off because if I do I can't get back into it because I have a pin and THE BUTTONS DO NOT WORK!!!
She then takes my battery out and then puts it back in and then turns my phone back on, only to offer me my phone to type in my pin, to have me say that I've literally just explained that I couldn't do that. Being slightly more pissed off by her now, but not really showing it, I then mentioned how now I have no phone because I can't get into it (because she just turned it off, idiot girl).
She then looks at me and says something to the general idea that it wasn't her fault and that she didn't know I had a pin, did she? I should have told her. I then quickly thanked her (WHYYY??!!) and walked out briskly, fists clenched, holding back the want to scream as much as I possibly could.
I walked into Carphone Warehouse, and walked up to a, conveniently, attractive guy called Alex.
"Hey... Alex! I would like to start by apologising for any misplaced anger towards you, it's not you, it's ALL because of 3. I now hate them. Can you help me?"
He was smiling by the time I was half way through this speech,
"A lot of people feel that way about 3. So I will try."
I clearly love him by this point. LOVE him. I could marry him. Settle down and have children with him. Anyway, I tell him what's up, I ask for my phone to be fixed and he says they have the same policy BUT he does it anyway - see! He loves me too!! He sends my poor broken phone off and after a week and a half I haven't heard anything, I was confused. I try ringing them and I don't get through to anyone, and then I get an automated phonecall message thingy saying that due to the nature of the problem, it's going to take an extra 10-14 days. But that's okay, that's fine, as long as it's fixed, EVENTUALLY.
Today I got another automated phonecall telling that my phone is back and ready to pick up. FINALLY!
What have I learned?
Boys will do anything for you in a shop if you looked disappointedly cute enough.
The girl in the 3 store is a gobby cow, who doesn't listen, with an attitude problem.
And people in the 3 store are generally retarded if they don't think that the first thing anyone does when something doesn't work is to TURN IT OFF AND ON AGAIN!
I feel way better now.
Awesome.
Tomorrow? Hello Alex >_<
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
It's been a while.
Today I wished I kept a diary. I remembered how much I loved writing and how I've always thought it to be a very good creative outlet. I miss keeping my thoughts somewhere other than my brain, it feels better to say things and then feel the release of not having them all locked up. That sounds retarded, I know, but try not to think about it. So, I'm back.
I turned 19.
I went on tour.
I got very good grades. VERY good grades.
I got into a university that I'm still unsure about; Canterbury Christ Church, on the Folkstone campus, to do Performing Arts. I do like it there, I love it there. But I'm scared of not knowing what's going to happen and being completely aware of who I'm living with and whether I'll enjoy this course, if it's the right thing to do.
I'm still smoking, unfortunately.
I'm still going to Church and I love it and I love God and everything's still difficult there, but when is life not a struggle?
My love life is completely non-existant and I, honestly, like it that way. Of course, I'm not going to deny that it is nice to have someone, but I like not having the hassle and confusion that boys bring, and the risks on my morals and beliefs. Hmm, plus it often gives you this false validation that fades after about ten minutes.
I really want to tell a story.
I think it's about time it was told.
I turned 19.
I went on tour.
I got very good grades. VERY good grades.
I got into a university that I'm still unsure about; Canterbury Christ Church, on the Folkstone campus, to do Performing Arts. I do like it there, I love it there. But I'm scared of not knowing what's going to happen and being completely aware of who I'm living with and whether I'll enjoy this course, if it's the right thing to do.
I'm still smoking, unfortunately.
I'm still going to Church and I love it and I love God and everything's still difficult there, but when is life not a struggle?
My love life is completely non-existant and I, honestly, like it that way. Of course, I'm not going to deny that it is nice to have someone, but I like not having the hassle and confusion that boys bring, and the risks on my morals and beliefs. Hmm, plus it often gives you this false validation that fades after about ten minutes.
I really want to tell a story.
I think it's about time it was told.
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
Odd, that.
It's a bit strange that if you look back on quite a few of my posts I'll mention that I'm at college. I don't know what it is about college but for some reason it gets me writing this thing when the rest of the time, when at home, I rarely do - which is appalling and I wish it were different but every time I say I'll change I never do so, meh.
Tomorrow we go on tour, me and my class, for college around the Isle of Wight which I'm very much looking forward to. I think four venues altogether, but I could be wrong. The last one will be the best, bringing over some people from the mainland which'll be fun, a proper gig feel to it, not that the others don't really have that.
Everyone keeps saying about getting trashed every single night, not only can I not fund that, I can also not manage that. I'd kill myself, my liver would have a panic attack and never speak to me again and I quite like the relationship we've got at the moment. Especially because I was rather abusive towards it recently, it wasn't very nice of me, so now I've got to really work at keeping it happy. However I am now certain that my gag reflex is in great working order, along with realising I've got some majorly unused stomach muscles that now I'm aware of due to great pain. So, my body's all in working order, why would I then want to abuse the hell out of it? There's having a good time and then there's destroying yourself, and I think I'm okay with not doing that for a while, thank you very much.
I will enjoy myself, by all means, and I will partake in a few drinks but I'm not going to go mental... Friday night shenanigans kinda killed my love for mental nights out for a bit.
My birthday soon. I'll be 19.
I'm quite excited, actually. People keep telling me that I'll feel no different, which, honestly, I think is a really stupid thing to say because of course I know I won't feel any different, every day I age and I'm not idiotic to think that one specific day is going to completely how I feel and look, it's not like everything jumps forward a year. What twats.
The really stupid part is when I kept saying that I KNOW I WILL FEEL NO DIFFERENT, I'm just looking forward to being 19, they continued to say it will feel no different. OH MY GOD! WHAT RETARDS AM I DEALING WITH!?
I wasn't even talking to them... I swear, some people don't even deserve the right to speech, they don't use it wisely or well or correctly or coherently. Rtards.
RIGHT! After using many capitals, I'm going to depart, I have rehearsals in a bit and need to run off to that. I really hope this goes well, we have one more set of rehearsals tomorrow morning before we run off to the ferry port and get on with the tour. It's all happening very quickly and quite frankly I am just scared... but in a good way, I think.
Wish us luck!
Tomorrow we go on tour, me and my class, for college around the Isle of Wight which I'm very much looking forward to. I think four venues altogether, but I could be wrong. The last one will be the best, bringing over some people from the mainland which'll be fun, a proper gig feel to it, not that the others don't really have that.
Everyone keeps saying about getting trashed every single night, not only can I not fund that, I can also not manage that. I'd kill myself, my liver would have a panic attack and never speak to me again and I quite like the relationship we've got at the moment. Especially because I was rather abusive towards it recently, it wasn't very nice of me, so now I've got to really work at keeping it happy. However I am now certain that my gag reflex is in great working order, along with realising I've got some majorly unused stomach muscles that now I'm aware of due to great pain. So, my body's all in working order, why would I then want to abuse the hell out of it? There's having a good time and then there's destroying yourself, and I think I'm okay with not doing that for a while, thank you very much.
I will enjoy myself, by all means, and I will partake in a few drinks but I'm not going to go mental... Friday night shenanigans kinda killed my love for mental nights out for a bit.
My birthday soon. I'll be 19.
I'm quite excited, actually. People keep telling me that I'll feel no different, which, honestly, I think is a really stupid thing to say because of course I know I won't feel any different, every day I age and I'm not idiotic to think that one specific day is going to completely how I feel and look, it's not like everything jumps forward a year. What twats.
The really stupid part is when I kept saying that I KNOW I WILL FEEL NO DIFFERENT, I'm just looking forward to being 19, they continued to say it will feel no different. OH MY GOD! WHAT RETARDS AM I DEALING WITH!?
I wasn't even talking to them... I swear, some people don't even deserve the right to speech, they don't use it wisely or well or correctly or coherently. Rtards.
RIGHT! After using many capitals, I'm going to depart, I have rehearsals in a bit and need to run off to that. I really hope this goes well, we have one more set of rehearsals tomorrow morning before we run off to the ferry port and get on with the tour. It's all happening very quickly and quite frankly I am just scared... but in a good way, I think.
Wish us luck!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
